Diary of a stand-up comedian

SOMETIMES I look forward to a trip for months.

To be able to see beautiful places really is a perk.

I have always wanted to see the Great Pyramid of Giza, one of the seven great wonders of the ancient world.

They are just outside of Cairo and I had been looking forward to it since I took the gig back in January. I just knew it would be a memorable day.

I have been fascinated since getting a Tutankhamun jigsaw as a child. I once took a short evening class course in Egyptology such is my fascination with the place.

I had visions of myself as Indiana Jones discovering hidden doors in the sand and finding previously undiscovered treasure.

I was up at five, four hours after the gig. I figured I would sleep all the way there and was soon drifting off.

After a three hour sleep I awoke expecting to see shimmering sand and belly dancers. I wondered if we would stop and eat dates at an oasis.

No, all I saw was a sign advertising cola and the road that the hotel was on as we had hardly moved.

We drove through the streets of Cairo at about an inch an hour.

Outside it was a scene of chaos. Imagine trying to drive a coach through a market and you have some idea of the madness.

In Egypt it would appear that the use of indicators is for cowards.

Letting a fellow motorist know that you are going to go left is an insult.

You have to just do it. Break lights are not compulsory and everyone waves fists as they poodle along.

The streets, from what I could see, are all one way.

And the direction is entirely at the discretion of the driver.

So you end up with two cars going head to head and loads of traffic backing up behind them both.

Then a young boy and an old man turn up and everyone buys tea. After more shouting and waving they all sit and smoke and some chickens appear.

If you have been to Egypt you will know that when people sit about, someone will try to sell them something. It is fascinating and hilarious to watch.

I would say it is entertaining but the whole thing was spoiled by the fact that it was over 100 degrees outside whilst the air conditioning inside meant that we were all wrapped up like Eskimos.

One side of my face was getting sunburnt through the glass.

The other side had frostbite.

This was all set to the sounds of soothing traditional music. It sounded like someone was using a hot fork to put a cat through a letterbox.

Ah well, it could be worse I hear you say.

Well no, I was on a coach with a load of British tourists.

In case I forgot how cold it was I had the man behind continually shouting: “Oi driver turn the blinkin ‘eating orf,” which caused the people by the windows to scream “NOOOOO!”

Add to this a collection of overheated and frozen children screaming: “Are we there yet?”, “Are we nearly there yet?” and of course “I need to go to the toilet!”

In the middle of it all an old boy from Rochdale announced that: “We are sitting targets for Al Qaeda here.” I am not an expert on international terrorism, but I do know that the aim of it is to cause the aforementioned ‘terror’.

Any attack on us would have been a godsend and put us out of our misery.

If there had been a recruitment officer there, I would have happily signed up and put a bullet into all of my fellow passengers.

After another hour of just sitting there the engine packed up and we were told that we would have to change vehicles.

I bought a book from a peddler.

He asked me for a ridiculous price and I couldn’t be bothered to argue.

Back at the hotel I sat in the bath trying to warm up one half of my body.

I thought a nice cold beer would be in order before remembering that it was a ‘dry’ hotel.

I consoled myself with a cup of tea and a read of my book.

Unfortunately it was a tourist book for Italians and I couldn’t make out a word of it. It was indeed a memorable day.