IT could only happen to me.
I was hiding in someone else’s toilet trying desperately to think of a way of getting out without being noticed.
Panic had set in as I heard the slap of whip on yer man’s naked flesh just feet away.
It was an innocent mistake that had led me there, but I didn’t think that would hold up if I were to get caught.
It was hard to think of a solution when, just the other side of the bathroom wall, stood a near-naked woman.
Herself and yer man were quite happily having fun and hadn’t seen me walking into their room.
You would think that they would have locked the door, or at least put up a sign saying: “Warning — unusual practices occurring within.”
I had no idea how to get out of this one.
I peeped out through the gap in the door in the hope that she would still be facing away, but she was sideways on.
If she had turned her head she would have seen me.
The situation was ridiculous as she waved her arms around with her bits hanging out and he moaned.
I am not judging them. I like to think I am open-minded and am hard to shock. I have seen many a bizarre occurrence in my time.
I once saw a priest chase two lads away from a car.
He was only wearing a pair of shorts, a Hawaiian shirt and a pair of fluffy slippers. “Evening father,” said I, as I walked past.
He later explained that he had heard them and jumped into the slippers at the door before realising that they belonged to his housekeeper.
Not for one moment did I think he was a crossdresser or a pervert or anything I should add.
I think that the Catholic Church has enough trouble going on at the moment without me joining in.
Then there was the time that I ended up in a lap dancing club in Prague and tried not to blush as two naked girls danced against each other in a way that would have them thrown out of the nightclub on a Saturday night, even if they were fully-clothed.
The pair of them were writhing around all over the place.
Our dog behaved in a similar way once, but was soon sorted out by a dose of worming tablets.
I also had the misfortune of walking into a toilet cubicle and finding a midget out cold on the floor.
He had slipped on the floor and banged his head.
Generally speaking, there are very few things that will faze me.
This, however, was definitely one that was awkward to say the least. I had been desperate to use the toilet and had opened the door to what I thought was my hotel room and quickly stepped into the toilet.
I had no sooner sat down on the toilet when I heard the door slam and a woman’s voice saying: “It was next door banging!” to her partner, or victim, or whoever he was.
Maybe they had been expecting someone.
The idea that a fourth person might yet join us made me panic even more.
I had realised immediately that I wasn’t in my room as the bathroom was way too clean.
What was I to do?
Could I explain in the hope that they might laugh?
Well, she might laugh; he couldn’t as he had a ball or something in his mouth.
The sweat was dripping off of me. I thought that maybe they would finish what they were doing and go to sleep, and then I could nip out. But what if they took hours?
And the longer I sat in there, the harder it would l be to explain — “No, I am not a pervert, I waited two hours for you to finish as I am a gentleman.”
I had heard the door close so I knew that my escape would make noise. What if they chased me out? How would that look, me in a suit being pursued by a nearnaked woman and an aroused man in handcuffs?
I thought that maybe I could ring the room from my mobile and escape when she answered the call. I couldn’t get a signal on the thing.
I decided that there was nothing else for it but to try and get out as quick as I could.
In one swift move I had the door open and was sprinting down the stairs to reception and out into the night air. I waited a while before returning to the correct room.
I checked-out half-expecting to be met by police officers, but managed to get out without further incident.