Diary of a stand-up comedian

I DON’T often eat fast food, junk food or take aways.

But it was two in the morning and I was faint with hunger.

It was my own fault for trying to save the planet.

We live in a time where we don’t always appreciate the impact we have on the world around us.

Sometimes we may realise as we throw out the rubbish that we are dumping a lot of stuff that will harm the environment. We just do it anyway.

Even if we have recycling bins or collections, how many people actually take the time to sort stuff out?

I am as guilty as anyone but because I come into contact with different people, I am often reminded of my selfishness when it comes to green issues.

Not like my mate Paul. He has it all sorted. He has always been a bit eccentric.

At gigs Paul will make sure all the litter in the green room is recycled.

If there are things in the bin that could be reused, he will take them out — he is into environmental issues in a very big way.

He is a great guy to hang about with as he always has some wacky idea or other.

I was gigging in Devon and took up his offer of a room for the night at his farm house.

I spent a fair bit of time on farms as a child and was fully prepared for the sights and sounds of a rural stop-off.

Where other city dwellers recoil at the smell of animals, I remember the stench of pigs and poultry with great fondness.

I was always scared of cows if I am honest but figured that in the years that have passed I may have grown out of it. Cows are huge and nosy.

People don’t realise that cows will follow you around and where other animals will ignore you if you stand still, cows just become even more inquisitive.

I figured that if Paul had cows I’d tactfully make my excuses and stay outside any fields. There were no cows, only chickens.

In fact there was no farm — it was like an episode of The Good Life as his three-bedroom semi in a nice road has been turned over to a distant time.

He uses energy efficient light bulbs and candles. The cooker is used sparingly as they prefer the fireplace.

The TV has been replaced by books and the radio. I half expected Felicity Kendall to come through the door.

I thought it would be fun and would make a change to hang out with conservationists.

However I was only with him an hour before I realised how hard it was going to be.

“And you want me to wee on that?” says I, pointing at the bale of hay. He nodded. I shook my head and asked him to explain it to me again.

He talked away about wasting water and how his dry toilet saved him loads of money on his water meter. I was baffled. Years ago people died from diseases caused by poor sanitation.

When people went to the toilet in rivers and streams, others downstream became ill.

Has there ever been a better invention than the flushing toilet? If you have ever taken a holiday in a part of the world where they don’t have them, you will know how awful it is to use local toilet facilities.

In Thailand I asked for the ‘bathroom’ and was given two options. One was a hole in the floor that went straight into the river.

The other was a urinal fixed to the wall but with a pipe that went straight into the river!

I asked what the point was and the tour guide explained it was because Westerners like to go to the toilet on porcelain. I think it was more to do with Europeans not wanting to realise that they were polluting the river.

I used the bale of hay but insisted on the indoor WC for anything else.

Paul was disappointed as he has a toilet seat over a hole in the ground for himself and his equally enthusiastic wife.

It was a fun day helping bring in the crops — well a couple of potatoes and some cabbage.

It was only when I realised they don’t tend to shop at the supermarket that it occurred to me dinner might be a bit dull.

The plate of lentils and veg wouldn’t have fed the chickens outside. I left late in the evening and drove straight to the local takeaway.

It might be a good thing to save the environment, but it sure gives you an appetite.